First Forced Friday.. its a doozy

Picked a day finally to do these posts. So it isn't quite the New Year yet but if I waited I would have to wait a whole week in to do the entry and it has been a busy month where I have wanted to but neglected to write. It's hard to even think of where to start.

Shortly after I made that first post Shane went on his reserve weekend. I was nervous of the weekend but did not let on. You see, a few months ago Shane had been acting funny and I forced him to spill. He explained that there was a lot of talk about him getting activated. He didn't want to tell me because it was just talk at the time and he was afraid I'd freak out. He said that he wouldn't know for sure until December. He also explained (since I am still a layman to all the marine stuff) that if he were activated it would mean he would be living in Newburgh for about 3 months. Thus, I accepted this and quietly waited.

He left for his reserve weekend. I didn't think much about it but had it in the back of my mind. It was a pretty busy weekend anyway. When he got home Sunday evening my parents had offered to take us to dinner. I met Shane at his house and we went out with them. I had noticed he was rather quiet, troubled. But I tried to believe it was that he was tired from the weekend. After dinner my parents came back to Shane's. They'd never seen the place so they got a brief tour. After they left Shane and I watched a movie. I kept noticing how distant he seemed. After the movie I inquired about what was going on and why he was troubled.

"Move in with me." "Umm, I am. In March." "Move in with me now. Live with me right now." "You don't want me here in the winter. You said it would be too cold for me." "I don't care anymore Just live with me, please." "Shane, what's going on." "You're gonna hate me." He said. "I could never hate you. Don't make me guess it, Shane. Just say it." I replied, knowing what it was boiling down to. I hate that he can never seem to say whats really going on. It's always a run around. "I'm sorry." "OK you can't just say I'm sorry because there's too much in the world that people can be sorry about and girls minds do terrible things. What is it Shane?" He was silent and wouldn't look at me. Which, of course as a girl makes my mind very insane but I kept most of that aside and went with the most logical reasoning. "sigh...You're activated." "Yes." I had figured but wanted him to actually say it. It's no fun to guess bad news. "OK so, you'll be in Newburgh for a while. It's ok, I knew this could happen. It doesn't change how I feel about you. When do you leave?" "January I go to Newburgh" I started breathing harder. It was so soon. "For how long?" My eyes closing. "My activation is for a year.." "WHAT!?" My eyes shot open, tears pouring out and my voice cracking. "WAIT.. You said it would be a few months.. what?! ".. and the deployment...""WHAT!!!! Hold on. STOP! I'm still new to this stuff. What was that word?" I was hyperventilating. My ears heard it and my brain knew what it meant but my heart refused to let any of that matter. "Break that down for me. Activation means..?" "Living on base in Newburgh Monday through Friday." "And the other thing." I couldn't say the word. "I'm being deployed to Romania." "No. You didn't say you'd go away. Why?! When? For how long?!!" "I don't know when. My deployment is for three months..." "THREE MONTHS.. THREE..MONTHS.?!?!?" I was crying heavily and my whole body felt like it was screaming. I squeezed tight to him. It was like a horrible dream and I couldn't wake up. Nothing would even process. He was overcome with my emotion and held me quietly sobbing himself. I slowly calmed my breathing and wiped my face. "..Where the fuck is Romania?!" I said half heartedly. I respond to intense situations with humor and that's the most I could muster. We talked a while longer. I kept calling Romania Bulgaria, and neither of us knew why. I often lost my composure and kicked the couch sobbing and crying out why. Eventually, Shane went to bed, having work early in the morning.

I lay there on the couch, my entire being exhausted. It wasn't fair. I had so much going through my mind and yet nothing at all. I felt so much pain it was as though I was numb to everything. I didn't want to move. I didn't even want to breath. I went on the computer but didn't want to talk to anyone. I did some research on Romania. It's over 5000 miles from here. It's a 7 hour time difference. And, go figure, it shares its southern border with Bulgaria. A couple hours passed and I decided I should try to sleep. I dragged myself to the bed trying to wake Shane. He moved a little so I started talking about what I had learned. I realized he wasn't actually awake and rolled away staring at the ceiling. My eyes wouldn't shut. I was tired but no part of me would let me sleep. My heart wouldn't allow it. I lay there for hours. I felt every single minute burn through me. I was awake when his alarm went off at 5am. I was awake while he got ready. I was quiet and hollow when he left. Alone in the bed I sobbed. I begged for sleep. It would not come. The alarm rang out again 5 hours later. I was already up. After a couple hours hoping for even a moment of rest I had given up and left the room. I had to go to work too. I didn't feel like doing anything. I feel non existent.

That was day one. It's been almost a month since he told me. We've talked about things a lot. A couple days after the told me I brought it to my family. I didn't know how to say it because it still hurt me. I figured I'd tell my mom first because she's so understanding and caring. After dinner, Shane and I were sitting there and everyone else had left the room and my mom kept popping back in. She knew something was wrong. Finally I just said it. "Shane's going to Romania.." "To find a wife? I hear they're real cheap over there." She made jokes, I couldn't get anymore out and that was that. I was stunned. It did not go as planned. Eventually we went to the living room where everyone was. "ROMANIA" "What, what about Romania, are you looking for a husband? I don't know if they do those." She joked. "SHANE..IS GOING...TO ROMANIA!" "You said that already." I growled quietly. At least I had all of their attention. "He is being DEPLOYED to Romania" "Whoa, this is a real thing?!" The word got through. They stopped what they were doing and listened. Through a good hour or more of explanation and confusion they finally understood. "You won't see much of me this month. I will be trying to spend as much time with him as I can before January. And since he has a cat and a house I am naming myself caretaker. I will be moving stuff slowly through this month and the coming months. I had planned to move in March but due to the circumstances we're gonna get a head start." The all gave me hugs and supported me.

I am almost all moved in. I still need my bookcase and lord knows how much junk that's lying around. The backroom here at our house is a mess with my things. It's hard to organize but I am getting rid of a lot of stuff. We just got my computer in and running a couple days ago. It's a lot of change really fast. I've gotten better about the situation. Sometimes it still hits me out of nowhere. We still don't know when he will be going to Romania. We don't even know when we'll know. And that sucks. I had been so looking forward to this year at my last entry. Now, not so much. I'm trying not to be bothered by it but it's hard. Last year was quite up and down and this year was supposed to be my quiet comfortable happy stable year. We had so many plans that had to change. I did move in, which is great, but I feel I didn't move in for the reasons I wanted now. I had wanted to live with him so I could, well, live with him. Instead, aside from this past month, I am living here to live here, alone. I hate being alone. Our 1 year anniversary will be in June. He may not be in the country then. Or for my birthday. The last time I really got upset about it was when I realized the wedding that I am a bridesmaid in is in May. And we don't know where he'll be. There is a chance he'll be in Romania. I hate weddings alone. Not to mention this wedding is to be catered by my ex-boyfriends father. Oh good a familiar face that hates me. I have nightmares of running into Frankie, his stepmother, in the rest room at the wedding. And not having Shane there to protect me. Who is gonna taste test my food to check for poison!?

So this was a long entry. But it was a lot to get out. Oh I also had my first Christmas not at home. It was a little sad for me but not bad. I read to Shane form some books that I read every year on Christmas Eve. We made cookies and filled each others stockings. We got up a little late because i made him change the clock so it was no longer military time and he accidentally set it to pm. So we rushed through our gifts to each other and then over to my parents. And after that over to his mothers. It was a good day. And for anyone curious no I do not have any new jewelry. I had explained to him that I hated the idea of people proposing when they are leaving. Sure its in plans but not these. We've had enough plans change already. You can't give diamonds and disappear. If you're gonna do it you do it right.

So that sums it up. Its New Years Eve. Shane will start his activation and his living on base on the 3rd. I still will try to keep my resolutions, including this one. I hope everyone has a lovely night and a good start to the year 2011. I'll be back next week.